Then we might see each other again
by thelonelywolf88
Summary: Set after 8x03. Gendry and Arya didn't happen. Some Arya and Jon talks placed into the plot of season 8. Rated M mainly for chapter 4.
1. Chapter 1

It was all over. They survived. Still, it didn't felt like a victory. All of the people they have lost. All the families that were now broken. Yet they won. They defeated the dead. She had killed the Night King. She was the hero. But oh, how she didn't want to be one. She would give up everything for it to be someone else, anybody really. Jon maybe, it was supposed to be him after all. She didn't want the attention, or the praise. It was all too real now. She couldn't stand to be with all the survivors in one room. She had to run away from them. She felt like she was suffocating. She needed to be alone. And so she ran. Not far. Her room was enough for now. She had packed already. She was heading to Kings Landing as soon as it was possible. The queen was still on her list. She wouldn't rest until Cersei was dead. Maybe not even after that. If Daenerys wins, only the Gods know what will happen after that. Arya didn't like her very much. She didn't want to see her on the throne. She didn't seem to care enough for the people of Westeros. But then, who of the highborns did really. And Arya didn't like the fact that Jon was involved with her. In any way. He was bound to her because she helped them fight the dead. And more importantly he loved her. That she hated the most. Arya wasn't affected by love, or so she liked to believe. Jon was however very different from her in this. And she feared it would be the end of him. Sometimes it even physically hurt to see them together. She was almost jealous of Daenerys. She wandered if the throne alone wasn't enough for her. She wanted her to leave Jon alone. To be true the only thing Arya wanted was that Jon could stay at Winterfell. She caught herself praying for that even. She didn't want to loose him again. She didn't see him for years and now so soon after their reunion he was leaving again. There wasn't a day she didn't think of him. She could call him her home. She felt like she could trust him. Of course she had Sansa and Bran now, but they somehow weren't enough. She felt guilty about that, but her and Jon had a connection none of the siblings had. And with Robb and Rickon dead, she simply didn't want the rest of the family to part. Jon told her and Sansa the truth not that long ago. He wasn't in fact their half-brother. He was their cousin. It hit hard. None of them expected it. And it changed things. They all swore it didn't, but it did. It did. He was supposed to sit on the Iron Throne, he was the rightful king. But he didn't want it. Her and Sansa knew very well that he was the best the kingdom could ever have. Arya knew that somewhere in her heart Sansa wanted the throne. That she wanted to rule. And Arya couldn't blame her. Sansa suffered so much since the day they arrived at Kings Landing and since the first time she ever laid eyes on the throne. But Sansa never said it. She wasn't stupid. She wanted Jon on that throne. But neither Sansa or Arya could've convince Jon. And he was leaving tomorrow with the dragon queen. He was about to help her win the Iron Throne. Arya came to terms with that, it was what he wanted. She pushed her feelings away, she had believe in him. But she was afraid of loosing him forever. She was scared that he might die or that he might rule with Daenerys. She was terrified of that. But it wasn't her that needed to make that choice, she knew that.

She got so lost in her thoughts she almost didn't hear the knock on her door.

"Who is it?," Arya asked. She didn't feel like having company right now.

"It's me," the voiced behind the door said. Jon. It felt like her heart skipped a beat.

"Come in," she invited him in. She sat up on her bed and watched him close the heavy door behind him. He looked troubled.

"Came to say goodbye?," she teased him a bit.

"I did in fact," Jon answered. He didn't lighten up as he usually did. He remained cold and emotionless. As if his father was after all Ned Stark and not Rhaegar Targaryen.

"Oh, goodbye then." Now there was coldness in Aryas voice. Even she could hear it.

"The last thing I want to do is leave and you know it, don't make it harder please." He looked at her and stared into her eyes. Oh how he will miss her.

"I don't trust her, I don't want you to get hurt, I don't want you to die in a war you are fighting for somebody who doesn't deserve it. I know you love her Jon, I do know that. But don't let your emotions cloud your judgement. She is turning mad, even you have to see that." Arya told him as he moved closer to her. She was half screaming. She didn't understand where it came from. She might start crying soon, she felt the tears slowly coming.

"But she is my queen," he answered simply.

"Fuck that Jon, you're supposed to be her king." He was standing just inches away from Arya now. And she was about to get the reaction she was waiting for. His eyes were suddenly filled with anger. They looked like they had fire burning inside them.

"You think I want to go and fight again? Do you think I chose that? I haven't chosen my faith kid. I haven't chosen my faith since I left Winterfell and joined the Nights Watch. All I want is to stay here with you and Sansa and Bran. I would give up everything just to train with you and to help Sansa rule the North and even to sit beside Bran in silence while he's staring into nothing all day. I'm not blind, I see what Daenerys is. But I bowed to her, she is my queen now and it doesn't matter how I feel. About the throne, about you, about nothing. I have to fulfill my duty. And after that, if she will allow it, I might be free." He was crying now. He was not looking at Arya anymore, but she still could feel his pain. _How I feel about you._ She couldn't misheard that. He said it clearly. She slowly got up and held his hands in hers.

"I'm sorry," she said softly, "I just can't imagine loosing you again."

"Me neither, I think it would break me. I lost so much in the past and you're one of the last things I have. And the most important one. Promise me you won't go to Kings Landing, there's nothing for you there. Please Arya, promise me," his voice was almost giving up now. His forehead was resting on hers.

"I can't," she looked into his eyes while saying it, "I still have one queen to kill."

Jon just smiled sadly. He knew that. He knew had stubborn Arya was. He didn't expect her to change her mind. But he had to try, he wouldn't forgive himself if he didn't.

"Then we might see each other again."

"In this life I hope." And then they were just looking at one another. Not speaking a word. Their foreheads stills resting against each other. And then it happened. Her gaze fell to his lips. She quickly raised her eyes back up, but it was too late. He noticed. She took a step back in panic, looking to her feet. She felt guilty, she wasn't supposed to feel this way, she didn't want to spoil what they had. But he reached for her, taking step forward and resting his hand on her face, his thumbs gently caressing her skin. She felt herself getting red. The urge to run came back. But he did not let her go. He stayed close, waiting until she calmed down a little. But Arya couldn't bring herself to do that. The only thing she was able to notice was his lips which were suddenly getting closer. And then Jon had closed the distance that remained between them, crushing his lips agains hers. Their lips moved shyly agains each other. As if they were scared the moment could slip away. All Arya could notice was how soft his lips were, how natural it felt. He ran his hands though her hair and she rested hers around his neck, pulling him closer. Both their faces were still wet from their tears. Arya felt save, almost as if she was finally home again. After they broke the kiss they just stayed in each others arms for one more moment. Both hesitant to let go. But then they did. They had to. And then he was next to the door, his hand just inches from it. Arya didn't even notice him leaving her side.

"Just so you know, it was always you," Arya managed to blur out before he was out the door.

"It was always you for me too, little one." Aryas eyes lit up and then Jon knew. He knew they were going to see each other again.


	2. Chapter 2

Another battle has been won. Or at least it was supposed to be. And even though Arya was on the winning side she sure didn't feel like it. In some weird way it felt worse than when they fought the dead. She felt hopeless all over again. Bodies were lying all around her, the scent of blood was impossible to escape. She could hear people screaming. It was surprising there were still people that could scream. Her ears were ringing and her head was spinning. Her clothes were covered in dust and blood. Every part of her body was hurting, yet she still managed to get up and keep moving. She needed to get out of the city. There was no sign of the dragon, but she could still feel the danger surrounding her. She didn't know where she was, everything looked similar. There weren't many buildings that remained standing, most of them fell down burying bodies under them. Arya did not understand. She heard the bells. _She heard them. _She was in shock, her body almost gave up when she took another step. Her leg didn't cooperate with her, she dragged it behind the other one. As she continued she started panicking. Her breathing became irregular and tears ran down her cheeks. She passed a mother holding a dead child in her arms. Everything started to be more and more real. And she could feel rage building inside her. Adrenaline still flew though her body and she was losing her mind. Everywhere she looked she saw misery. She wanted to kill the dragon queen for what she had done. Arya started to pick up the speed, walking faster and faster until she was almost running. Needle was still at her side and images of Daenerys all around her. She was no longer able to control herself, she wanted to scream her heart out. And then she thought of Jon. She lost her balance tripping over a big stone she didn't see. Her anger was suddenly gone, now she was scared. It was almost as if she completely forgot about Jon during all of this. She pushed herself up with all the strength she had left with and started moving again. Paranoia filled her. Arya could swear she saw Jon's body laying on the ground at least five times. First buried under some fallen building, then with legs separated from his body. She could also hear him calling her name. She wanted to turn around, but she couldn't bring herself to it. Arya knew her mind was playing tricks on her. She needed to keep moving. And she did, taking a turn right in hope of escaping the pile of bodies that appeared in front of her. After taking a couple of steps she could feel someone grabbing her. She quickly draw needle and faced the man that was behind her. She could not place him, but he seemed familiar. Her head was getting dizzy again, her leg was giving up. He was slowly approaching her while saying words she could not understand. She felt her eyes closing, she was struggling to keep them open. She took few steps back. All of a sudden she was falling. _This is it_, she thought, _this is it. _But then she recognized him. Jon. She though she was hallucinating until he caught her. His lips were moving and her hearing was coming back.

"Jon," she breathed out. A relieved look crossed his face. Her head was laying in his lap and she didn't know how it ended up there. Now she looked like the dead child in the mothers arms she saw earlier. "Jon," she repeated smiling faintly.

"You scared the shit out of me, don't do that again," Jon said stroking her hair softly. "I can't lose you kiddo."

"You didn't seem real, I saw you everywhere," Arya murmured. "I though I could hear you, but I was somehow convinced it couldn't be you. I saw your face on those of dead soldiers, I saw you laying still without a drop of life left in you, I'm sorry Jon, I'm _so_ sorry," she managed to get out before she started crying. His grip tightened around her, his words trying to comfort her.

"I'm here now, Arya. You're okay, I'm okay. I'm not leaving you, I'm not going anywhere," Jon whispered as he could still feel her body shaking. He never saw her like this, she looked scared to death. And it made him scared too. His upper body moved closer to her, falling on top of her legs, seeking more comfort in their touch. His mind started to wander. He thought about their past and about their childhood at Winterfell. About all the time they spend with each other. She was always there for him and he for her. He sometimes could not understand how similar they were. He remembered their father telling Arya she reminded him of his sister Lyanna. So many things started to make sense after Jon learned the truth about his parents. But nothing changed how safe he felt with Arya. Sometimes he wished they could just go back, sometimes he didn't. Seeing Arya after being away from her for so long was the best thing he could've ever wished for. Seeing her all grown up made his heart flutter. And seeing her covered in blood half alive made him furious at the world for not letting him protect her.

Jon felt his body getting heavy, too heavy. He opened his eyes and sat up quickly in fear.

"Arya," he said quietly at first. "Arya," he raised his voice as she was not responding. Million thoughts crossed his mind all at once. "_Arya_," he almost shouted while shaking her body. It was just laying there, she wasn't responding. _Fuck_, he thought to himself, panicking. "Arya," he tried it again, his voice breaking. _Arya_, he thought. _Arya, Arya. _Her name was replaying itself in his mind. _Arya. _He cried out not being able to do anything else. It was a heartbroken sound that filled the space around them. His tears were now running down on her. He was not able to focus on anything. But then her fingers started moving and his heart started to beat too fast. She slowly sat up while looking at him.

"I'm okay, I'm fine," she said slowly resting her forehead agains his, placing one of her hands on his face softly. "I'm alive," he could hear her say as she was moving her lips closer to his. "We survived," was the last thing he caught before their lips met. Jon could feel the rush of adrenaline once again and it made him deepen the kiss. He heard her moan and slid his tongue in her mouth. He could feel how desperate they both were. And it was killing him. He needed her. He needed her now. He could feel every inch of her body against his. His hands were now tucking on her hair and hers were around his waist pulling him closer. It was all too much. He could hear every little sound that escaped her and he felt like he was fainting. He forgot about everything around them, losing himself in her. He was not able to breathe, his head was giving up. He was spinning in circles. Too much, it was too fucking much.

"Arya," he managed to get out between the kisses. "Stop, Arya, stop. We need to go," he blurted out. His voice was filled with lust. "We need to find others." Their eyes were locked, their pupils dilated. She nodded, moving further away from him, gathering back all the control she had lost.

"Will you help me get up? My leg is probably broken," Arya asked after Jon got up.

"Of course," he smiled and helped her up. They started walking to the Red Keep where they expected the others to be. Arya placed one of her hands around Jon's shoulders and he wrapped one of his around her waist, steadying her. They walked in silence, recovering from everything that has happened. Both being grateful for staying alive.


	3. Chapter 3

Arya was now laying down on a bed in one of the rooms that remained intact. As she expected her leg was broken and was starting to hurt as all of the adrenaline was fading away. Jon was god knows where. With their new queen probably. And she was getting lonely. She could hear every sound around her and feel the cold surrounding her.

Sansa came to see her. Arya could see the pain in her face. Neither of the sisters wished for this to happen. Yes, they wanted to win, they wanted to see Cersei fall. But not under these circumstances. They were silent for almost an hour, seeking some kind of comfort in each other. But they were not able to speak. There was nothing to be said anyway. Then Sansa left and Arya was left alone again. Unable to walk and to run away as she always have done in situations where she didn't feel comfortable.

She tried to sleep, but her head was filled with mad images and her hands were still shaking. But she felt herself go even crazier when her eyes were open. She was thinking about all of the things at once. About Jon, Daenerys and the throne. She couldn't care else about the last matter. She never understood the need to have that kind of power. She knew that it didn't matter who sat on the throne and ruled. Everyone eventually gets drunk on the power and is unable to rule properly. The only thing she knew was that she wanted to be as far way from King's Landing as possible.

When she woke up it was already dark outside. "I must have fallen asleep," she thought to herself. She could hear people walking past the door to her room. They wore heavy shoes and long coats. She couldn't recognise any of them by the way they walked. She was tired, that was the first thing she noticed. And it felt weird. She didn't feel tired of a long time. Maybe it was because she didn't have anything else to do now, she accomplished everything she have planed to do. So she slowly closed her eyes and drifted away again.

She woke up again to a soft knock. She slowly seated herself on the bed and then called:

"Come in."

She was surprised to see Jon. He was beaten up and didn't look like he got any rest since they last saw each other.

"You look awful," Arya joked and a laugh came out of her.

"You don't look that good yourself," Jon replied with a spark in his eyes.

"How is the queen?," she dared to ask.

"Not good I would say."

"And everyone else?," she didn't want to push him to answer.

"Not many have survived. And those who did are all injured to some extent. It's not very pleasant out there. You should be glad you can be here."

"And you? Are you hurt?"

"No, not much. I'm fine, Arya."

He was now looking straight into her eyes. He seemed happy to see her, but at the same time destroyed by everything that has happened. She wanted to comfort him so bad, but she didn't know how.

"Jon, are you really okay?"

He was now sitting next to her on thee edge of the bed.

"No, I don't think I am. But how could I be? So many have died and those who survived don't have anyone to go back to. I couldn't even look them in the eyes, I couldn't bare it. I'm so ashamed of what we have done, of what I have done."

"You were only doing what you though was the right thing to do, what anyone else would do."

Now her hands were on his and they were sitting closer to each other. She hoped to bring him some relief.

"I should've known better. I should've trusted her. I think deep down I knew how bad she wanted this and that she wouldn't stop until she had all of it. But I didn't say anything, I just let her take it all. I wished I died in the battle so I didn't have to see all of this."

"Hey, don't say these things. We both know they are not true," she said as his head fell softly on her shoulder. Arya could swear she could feel his tears soak through the fabric.

"But they are. I don't know if I can live with all of this. And if she will want me to sit on the throne beside her? What will I do then? I cannot say no to her know. She is no longer able to see the truth. She thinks I want this, that I still love her. But how can I after all she has done today? How can I love someone as mad as she is?"

He was now crying for sure. And Arya couldn't blame him. She was getting angry. She wanted to make Daenerys pay for what she did to Jon. But she knew it wasn't her place.

"I don't know, Jon. I can't answer these questions and I cannot tell you what you should do. But know that I will support you no matter what you do. I can promise you that."

His answer was a half smile. And Arya was surprised to see even that. He had a lot on his shoulders in this moment and she didn't want to pressure him with anything else. Then his head lifted from her shoulder.

"I got to go," he whispered.

"Don't. Please, don't."

"I can't stay, they will notice. We need to be careful now."

Arya nodded. She knew that, she just forgot for a moment. She looked down and waited for him to leave. But he didn't get up right away.

"I'm sorry," he said so quietly she didn't almost hear him.

"I can kiss you before I go?," Jon asked and Arya nodded, wanting to have Jon close to her desperately. It was a quick kiss, but at the moment it did satisfy the need they both felt. As he was leaving, his hand almost reaching for the door, Arya called after him. A strange thought crossed her mind.

"Wait. You're not going to do anything stupid, aren't you?"

"Nice dreams," he said only as he opened the door and disappeared. She was left alone again. Her head filled with worry about what's about to happen.


	4. Chapter 4

Arya couldn't believe that Jon really have killed Daenerys. That he was stupid enough to kill their new queen. Or brave enough. What more, she couldn't believe that his only punishment was banishment. That Jon actually got what he wanted the most. A life beyond the wall. She was of course sad that they will be parted again, but at least he's going to live. That was enough for her. The Stark family will be divided again. With Bran as their new king in King's Landing, with Sansa as the queen in the north, with Jon beyond the wall and with her on new adventures. She knew that Sansa secretly wanted her to go back north with her. But that wasn't an option for Arya. At least not for now. She still had new things to discover. She didn't want to settle down yet. If ever. She couldn't imagine having a husband and kids. It just wasn't for her. She wanted to fight and visit new lands. She wanted to get to know new people. She was satisfied with how the things have turned out.

She was all alone in her room packing up everything she had when Jon came to see her. She was surprised to see him, she didn't know he was allowed to leave his room. Greyworm and some others were still angry.

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in your room gathering all you need for your journey?"

"I have already packed all I need, I wanted to see you for the last time," Jon said with a sad look on his face.

"I doubt it will be the last time we see each other," Arya answered while turning to face him.

"I want you to go with me. But I know better than to ask you. I know what your answer would be. I just want you to know that I want you by my side if you ever decided that life with me would be worth it."

"I will find you when it's the right time, I promise."

"And if it's never going to be the right time?"

His voice lacked colour in it, it was almost as he gave up on everything.

"Then I guess we should better say goodbye to each other," she said half joking.

But she regretted saying it as soon as the words had left her mouth. She could see that she hurt Jon. And that was never her intention.

"Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."

But the damage was done. He was looking at the door now, see was ready to leave and never see her again. And Arya could not let that happen. Now after everything that has happened between them.

"Do you have to go just yet?"

"I don't know Arya, is there anything left to be said?," he asked with anger in his voice.

"Said? No. Said no."

And she slowly approached him. She didn't know she had it in her. She took his hands into hers and pulled him closer. She never felt so confident before. This felt so right. Everything felt so goddamn right. She placed her right arm around the back of his neck and pressed her lips against his. She could hear soft moans escaping from his lips. It was as they couldn't get enough of each other. Their clothes were now on the floor and Jon was on top of her on the not so comfortable bed. Arya was now too aware of her broken leg. She hissed as she tried to move it too fast trying to get closer to Jon.

"Don't move. I will take care of that."

Jon's voice was filled with lust and so were his eyes. And Arya couldn't take it anymore, she needed him to continue. Her hands were all over his body and it still felt as she wasn't touching him at all. She pulled him into a kiss again. And not a minute later she could feel him inside of her. It was better that anything she has ever experienced. It was getting hard for her to breathe properly. She was getting lost and so was Jon. They didn't feel the need to be loud. Once they locked their eyes they knew how the other felt. She felt the heat building inside her. She threw her head back and her back arched. Now she felt Jon even closer to her. And then Jon came with a face she was never going to forget.

They stayed in each others arms for some time. And then they parted. Jon was now getting dressed not far from the bed. And Arya was looking at him. She didn't know what she had done to be so lucky. She could not stop smiling. And then they shared one last kiss.

"I hope we will see each other again," Jon said softly.

"We just might," was Arya's only answer.

Jon gave her one last smile before opening the door and disappearing into the hall. She finished dressing up and then closed her eyes. It was going to be the best sleep she ever had, she was sure of that. She didn't worry about anything anymore.


	5. Chapter 5

It felt weird being back home. To feel snow under her feet and to see people of Winterfell again. It hasn't even been five years. But to her it felt like a century. When Arya and Sansa saw each other again after all this time they rushed to hug the other. Arya knew Sansa would miss her. But she didn't expect to miss Sansa. But she did. Badly. As if the time washed away all the bad memories they shared in their childhood.

Sansa seemed as thought she aged ten years. Mentally at least. She still looked beautiful. Maybe even more than the last time Arya saw her. Being queen suited her. They talked most of the night and didn't ran out of words once. That was new between them. Arya was happy for it. She didn't have a proper conversation with someone this way for some time. She swore she didn't need anyone, but it wasn't completely true. She knew that. Then she mentioned Jon. She asked if Sansa knew something about him.

"Oh, Jon. Once in a while a letter comes from him. Sometimes it's once a week and sometimes it's months before I receive another. Same with Bran. You can read them if you want. But it's nothing interesting really. Mundane things. I can't even remember what the last one said. But he is fine, Arya. No need to worry about him," Sansa answered her as if there was no contact between the two of them.

"You plan to stay, right? You won't go looking for him? I wouldn't advise you to do that. It's hard life beyond the wall. Even without the white walkers. I would rather have you here. It would mean a lot to me. We can find you a position fit for you. Or a castle to run," Sansa added and Arya could hear how much she wanted her to stay. She almost felt bad that she was going to leave her again. But she had other things to take care of.

"I can't stay, you know that. I will visit again. And I'm not leaving tomorrow. I would like to stay for a week if you will have me."

"Of course I will. There is always a place for a Stark. I will show you everything. I want to spend as much time with you as possible. It gets lonely here. With all the cold and dark."

"Thank you, Sansa. But then I have to leave. I promised Jon that we will see each other again. I intent to keep that promise. I can't fail him. _Again._"

"I see you didn't lose any of your stubbornness. You maybe even gained some, if that's possible," Sansa joked. She knew better than to try convince Arya.

After that they went to sleep. Arya was staying in her old room. It was almost as she never left. But something was missing. It was strange to not hear her fathers voice echoing through the halls or to hear the laugh of her little brother Rickon. She missed having a wolf beside her. Everything was the same but at the same time everything changed too much. And with these thoughts she fell asleep.

Time flew like water. The week she spent in Winterfell seemed like one day. Sansa kept her promise to spend lots of time with Arya and they both enjoyed it. One night Arya got to read Jon's letters.

"You won't like it though," Sansa warned her before she handed them over to Arya.

And she wasn't even close. Arya hated them. She wanted to rip them to million pieces. In the beginning Jon was asking about her. Then he stopped. Suddenly, without any warning or indication that something went wrong. She could feel that he turned cold. He started writing about how things are, not how he felt about them. Arya hoped he was okay, that he hasn't lost himself in all the ice and snow. She almost changed her mind about going there to find him. It broke her heart.

"So? Are you still going?," asked Sansa when Arya came to give her the letters back.

"Yes, I have to. I have to know what happened."

"Nothing happened, Arya. He changed. We all did. You won't find the man you're looking for. I'm scared he's long gone," Sansa said with a stone cold face. It was almost as she had lost all hope. But Arya didn't. Not yet.

"I have to try. I owe him at least that."

She was still determined. Nothing could stop her. So in one cold morning she got on her brown horse and headed to Castle Black. Nobody at Winterfell knew where Jon exactly was. She hoped that Castle Black would be a good start. But she still had a long road ahead of her. She was now glad for the rest she got with Sansa. But her head was full of thoughts and she didn't have anything to distract herself. She was thinking nonstop. She was alone again. It felt familiar. She was used to being lonely. She learned to like it. To enjoy it even.


	6. Chapter 6

Arya has been on the road for some time. She felt fulfilled again. She never felt happy staying in one place for long. Meeting strangers excited her. She listened to their stories and shared some of her own in return. Some bards still sang songs about the dragon queen. Those still made her blood boil with anger. She was a day from the place Jon was supposed to be at. At Castle Black some man told her where it should be. But they didn't know if Jon would be there. No one heard from him in months. So she took her chance. She left her horse there and left with few other men. She would lie if she said she didn't feel nervous. She was getting more anxious as she was getting closer. She needed to see him again. To make sure he is okay. She hoped Jon would be happy to see her. She didn't know what would she do otherwise. But that was for tomorrow to worry about. Now she needed to rest. She wasn't able to continue further, she was too tired for that.

It was around midday when she finally saw the first tents. As she approached them people started looking at her hatefully. They wondered what she was doing there. She was sticking out in her clothes that were too different from theirs. She didn't make it far. Some men grabbed her and started to ask questions. What was she doing there, what did she want, who was she. She answered them all. She was Arya of House Stark, she was looking for Jon Snow. She noticed the looks they shared.

"You should turn back, nothing good awaits you here," said one of them. His hair was dark and his eyes cold. People must have feared him.

"I want to speak to Jon, is he here?"

"He is here, but you cannot speak to him, or that is not up to us to decide at least," other answered her. Then they started walking. Some woman gave her a push. A sign for her to follow them. And she did. They took her to one of the bigger tents and she walked in after the dark haired one. Most of the wildlings stayed outside where more people gathered around. Curious of what this stranger wants from them. It was fairly warm inside. Arya welcomed it. She hasn't felt warm since she left one of the rooms in Castle Black. She immediately recognised Tormund and his red hair. He crossed the room with smile painted on his face. He lifted her up and hugged her tightly. He was very happy to see her, no one in the room could deny that.

"Leave. All of you leave. I want to speak to Arya privately. You have other things to do. She is welcomed. Let everyone know that," he said loudly. Soon they were alone. Arya waited for him to start.

"You're here to see Jon, ey? Don't know about that little one. He doesn't want to speak to anyone. Not even to me."

"Please, Tormund. I know we don't know each other that much, but let me try. I need to see him. Maybe it won't be for the worse. Maybe I can help him. With whatever. I don't know what's wrong, but let me help. Please. I know him better than anyone here."

She made sure that he wouldn't refused her. She couldn't afford that. And he didn't. He showed her the way to where Jon was staying. He offered her food and drinks. She promised to be back after she spoke to Jon. She promised to tell him all about the new lands she visited. When they stopped near Jon's tent he warned her. Jon's heart was broken. God knows from what. It started a year ago. He didn't want to spend time with other people, he only spent time with Ghost. They needed to bring him food and water. Then he stopped talking. Some say they heard him talk to his direwolf, but weren't sure. Tormund said he is now a whole different person. That she shouldn't had wasted her time coming here. But Arya was persistent. She wouldn't walk away now.

She slowly entered Jon's tent. It was all dark except for a fire burning in the middle. Ghost was laying beside it, enjoying the heat coming from it. When he heard her he got up quickly and ran to smell her. After that he allowed her to pet him. He still recognised her. She noticed his eyes were sad. Then she spoted Jon. He was laying in bed. Sleeping. When she approached him she felt hopeful again. He looked calm and his hair was as black as the last time she saw him. He didn't change much, she realised. Aged a little, but didn't change. She sat down on the edge of his bed just observing him. She was slowly realising how badly she missed him. And she was never going to leave him again. Not after what she heard from Tormund. She couldn't help herself from running her hand through the black locks. Still as soft as she remembered them. Jon opened his eyes when he felt her touch. He was staring at her.

"Arya? Is it really you? What are you doing here?," he asked. He looked very confused. It was almost as he didn't believe it was she was just part of his dream. An illusion even.

"Yes, it's really me. I needed to see you."

Jon's only answer were tears. Arya hoped they were tears of happiness, but she couldn't be sure. Jon shifted on the bed and made room for her. They were now laying on their sides facing each other. Jon was still crying. Silently, not making a sound. Arya's fingers were in his hair again, stroking it, trying to comfort him. She pulled him closer, pressing her body against his. It seemed that Jon had stoped crying. But he was still not saying anything.

"Are you mad that I came here?," Arya asked carefully. She was whispering. She needed to know.

"No," was Jon's only answer. It didn't convince her. But Arya decided to not care for now. She could deal with everything later. Everything that mattered now was that Jon was close to her and that he was alive. Nothing else was important. Arya decided to cross the space between them. She pressed her lips against his in a sloppy kiss. She wanted to assure him that everything was alright. She was looking at him as he drifted away once again, holding his hands as if he was going to slip away from her. Then she dared to close her eyes as well. Hoping Jon would still be there after they both woke up.


	7. Chapter 7

Hi! I just wanted to let you know that the topic of depression, loneliness and self abuse is discussed in this chapter. So if you're not comfortable with it, you might want to skip this one. Otherwise, enjoy :)

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Arya was very confused once she opened her eyes. At first she couldn't remember where she was. Then it hit her. She looked around but Jon was nowhere to be found. Neither was Ghost. She slowly got up and decided to go to Tormund's place. She hoped it would be where Jon was.

When she entered the tent she was greeted by Tormund.

"I didn't hope to see you again today," he joked.

"Is Jon here?," Arya simply asked. She didn't have time for jokes if something happened to Jon.

"Oh no, he is fine. He went for a walk. Even came here to make sure we will let you know. I haven't heard him talk in like, I don't know, 7 months?," he asked the man beside him.

"Yeah, yeah. About 7 months, that's right."

The man shook his long blond hair and stared at Arya. Then he turned his focus back to some food that was in his hands. He didn't look like he belonged beyond the wall. His features were way too soft and his voice wasn't harsh enough.

"For a walk you say, when will he be back?" Arya calmed down a little, but not completely.

"In an hour, maybe two. Relax kid, he will be back. He wouldn't leave you behind," assured her Tormund.

"Now let's eat, you must be starving. Plus I want to hear your stories. Life here gets boring sometimes," said Tormund while gesturing to the food before them. He poured her and the long-haired man a drink. He also poured himself one.

"So, Arya of house Stark, what places did you encounter on your journeys? What people have you met?," asked her the unknown one. So she started talking. She told these stories so many times already, she knew what details will shock the audience and what details should remain untold. The food they offered her was good and she was in a good mood. An hour had passed and she still was not finished. Some other men have joined them and they all listened to her with curiosity. Once in a while they laughed at a joke she made, sometimes they cracked jokes themselves. She didn't even notice Jon walk in. He was standing in the shadows quietly, listening to every word she sad. He may have stood there for ten minutes. Then he suddenly flew out of the tent, exposing himself. Everyone looked at the entrance at once. All they saw were Jon's black curls. Arya immediately excused herself. Some men protested, but she promised to finish her story some other time. She almost ran at her way to Jon's tent. She bursted in without asking. She noticed the way Jon looked. His eyes were sad, the way he was standing indicated that he was tired. He looked terrible. Arya dared to speak first.

"Are you okay? You don't look very fine," was the only thing that crossed her mind.

"I'm fine, Arya. How could I not be, hmm? Once you say you don't want nothing to do with me and then you show up after what? Six years? I have changed since the last time we saw each other, you know. I am not the same person anymore. Leave. You shouldn't have bothered with coming here. You can't save me. It's too late."

He was angry, Arya could sense that. But there was something else. She needed to know.

"Jon, please, talk to me. It will help. Please, just try," she wanted to persuade him. Jon was sitting on the edge of his bed, Arya tried to come sit next to him.

"It's no use. It won't change. I tied everything. This is how things will be to the end of my times, there's nothing that can be done anymore," he resisted. His voice was so soft she almost didn't hear him.

"Jon, please," she placed her fingers on top of his, "please, tell me what's happening."

"Okay, you won, I will tell you. You asked for it, but it's nothing pretty." He paused for a second, taking a deep breathe in and pulling his sleeves up. There were scars everywhere. Some of them were fresh, some looked months old. Arya closed her eyes, she didn't know what to say.

"It was fine at first," Jon started, "we all had fun, I was in command with Tormund and some others. I still had hope that you will show up one day. We organised search parties and looked for another places to settle at. Life was fine. Then four years passed. All then cold was finally getting to me. Every one of my friends had someone to share their nights with, I never found anyone fit for that. I became lonely, as lonely as a person can get. I started to pick fights. There was some anger in me I didn't understand. Don't look at me like that, I know it doesn't sound like me, but trust me, something inside of me changed. I started to isolate myself. Talking to people was too hard. I felt like I betrayed them, like I wasn't worthy of their time. There were waves of sadness that consumed me. I tried to fight it, but waking up in the mornings became harder and harder. Picking up my sword became harder and harder. My nightmares weren't nightmares anymore, I got used to them. I was crying five times a day. The only thing that was able to calm me down was cutting myself. Nothing else was able to distract me. Arya, hey, don't cry, please, dry your eyes. Where was I? Oh yes, distracting myself. But after some time it stoped working, it didn't help anymore. Then I wasn't able to cry no more. The emptiness that filled me was even more terrifying that all the pain I felt. I stopped speaking, I gave up on everything. I tried to starve myself, but only lasted for five days, never more. I could see that I was troubling others, but I wasn't able to do anything with it. I tried, I really did. I just always felt like it wasn't good enough, as if they were still disappointed with me. I wanted to end it, but I wanted to live at the same time. I wanted things to get better, I still do. I just don't know what to do anymore, if you know what I mean. I'm scared no one will listen to me, I don't want to unload my stuff onto somebody else. It doesn't feel right to me. I considered walking away. But I knew I would freeze to death somewhere or that I would be forced to come back. They would think I'm insane. Which I am, won't deny that. Don't shake your head, we both know madness runs in my blood. I'm just done hiding it. Let's walk away, let's go somewhere else, I thought this place would be good for me, but I couldn't 've been more wrong. Oh wait, I forgot. _I'm banished._ For saving the kingdom from a mad queen. And for that I'm meant to suffer. Suffer in cold while my cousin rules a kingdom that belongs to me. But who would believe poor Jon Snow, bastard of Winterfell. I sometimes think what it would be like to sit on the throne beside Danny. Maybe I've chosen wrong. If only I could come back home. If only I could."

There was a long silence between them after Jon had finished. He was still full of anger and didn't want to hurt Arya more. She didn't know what to think. She now saw the dark side of Jon and wasn't sure she liked it. Right now the only thing she wanted to do was get up and leave. But she knew Jon was provoking her to do just that. And she wasn't going to let him win that easy. She made her mind up to get Jon home somehow. She needed to. She wasn't going to abandon him. She wanted to give him some hope he could catch onto. But she didn't want to say it just yet. She knew she will have to leave him once again. They both knew that. But Arya didn't want to discus it tonight. Not after everything Jon has told her. Her eyes were wet again. She wasn't able to control the tears that ran down her face. And now Jon was kissing her. None of them wanted to talk or think. Slowly they got lost in each other. They could deal with their problems tomorrow morning.


	8. Chapter 8

A month has passed since Arya arrived. Every morning she woke up beside Jon. It was all new and it was surprisingly pleasant. She was quickly getting used to it. But she needed to remind herself it wasn't going to last long. Every day she saw Jon getting better and better. She hoped she wasn't giving him false hope. They made plans together for how it's going to be from now. Arya was going to travel back to Kings Landing where she will talk to Bran. If everything will go smoothly she will then return to Jon and they will travel together to Winterfell. To Sansa. Who will most definitely greet them. If Bran won't allow Jon to come back Arya will travel to Winterfell alone, telling Sansa everything, maybe asking for her help with Bran. Then she will return to Jon, to live with him beyond the wall. And they will both wait for a letter from Sansa. Arya hoped Bran will be on their side. That she will not have to spend life along wildlings with all he dark and cold. It was no life for her. She still wanted to travel and this simply wasn't an option for her. She was determined to persuade Bran. She needed to. Her life depended on it.

The thing was Arya didn't know how to tell Jon she was leaving. She made plans to go two weeks ago. She tried to persuade herself to tell him, but every time she looked into his eyes in the morning something broke inside her. She stopped minding the cold and learned to enjoy long nights beside roaming fire. She felt herself change. Even she could see it now, Jon was changing her. What she felt for him was changing her. And she needed to leave as quickly as possible. She had to get away from him. At least for now. She couldn't get too attached. Because there was always the option of Bran refusing her. And she wasn't going to stay in one place, she knew that. She knew one day she will break Jon's heart again. It was inevitable.

So one particularly cold morning Arya got up earlier than usual and packed her things. For a moment she contemplated not waiting for Jon to wake up, to run while she had time. But something inside her told her it would be childish and she listened.

She was sitting on the edge of their bed when Jon opened his eyes lazily. He had the same reaction as every time. He reached for her and tried to push her closer to him. Tried to snuggle against her and cover her with kisses. Years ago she couldn't picture herself in anyone's arms. Now she enjoyed the way Jon's body was pressed against hers and how he made her giggle every time he did something silly. _Gods_, what was she thinking?

Arya pushed Jon away, her eyes suddenly turning cold. She looked at him as if he was supposed to know. But of course he didn't, how could he. Arya couldn't blame him for enjoying their time together, for not wanting her to leave. But she wanted to. She wanted to scream and tell him everything she was bottling up inside. He should've realised he was holding her down, that it was selfish of him to keep her in this place she didn't choose for her home. She was so angry at him for not taking her advise then. When she told him not to do anything stupid and he went and killed the dragon queen. What was he thinking anyway, why was he that stupid? He should suffer for what he has done, anyone should meet the same fate. It didn't matter than she loved him and that he was her family. He should have been punished and now she was about to go beg for forgiveness for someone who couldn't stop himself and think for two seconds. She didn't recognise herself. Maybe it was indeed time to leave.

"Jon, I'm leaving," she breathed out quietly. She didn't know what his reaction would be. She needed to be careful.

"I know. I just wish we had more time," was Jon's only response. Now he looked sad. More than the day they saw each other again after all the years. And Arya couldn't resist but to feel her heart break at the sight in front of her.

"Jon, hey," she said while cubbing his face in her palms,"I will be back as soon as I can. You will have to survive on your own, okay?"

He didn't respond, just looked down and avoided her eyes.

"I need you to promise me something, please, just look at me."

And he did. With eyes full of tears. It was as if Arya could see right into his soul now. As if she knew how hurt he will be and how much he will hurt himself again. But they both knew she had to go, she needed to try. Jon wanted so much to ask her to stay. To not leave, just to stay and skip the refusal from Bran. Jon knew what Bran's answer is going to be, but Arya wanted to try. And maybe she knew too, she just wanted to escape and return only when she was sure she really wanted life with him. Jon was scared, he sensed there was a possibility of her not returning. Or of her meeting someone better, fitter for her situation. He tried to tell her, but she stopped him every time.

"Promise you what, Arya?," Jon asked when she wasn't saying anything. He could now see he wasn't the only one with tears in their eyes. He never knew Arya was capable of this type of reaction, he would lie if he said it didn't surprise him, to say it didn't make him trust her a little more.

She was now playing with her fingers. She gazed up only to make him listen more carefully.

"I need you to promise me you will try. Just that you try, I don't ask for anything else."

And then there was silence. Silence in which they both realised in what mess they are. Jon could swear he heard his heart drop. _And fuck_, this made him love her even more. She didn't ask for much and at the same time she was asking for everything. She was maybe even testing him if he could be good at his own. Because everyone knew Arya didn't want anyone depending on her. So his answer was clear.

"Yes, Arya. I promise I will try. I will try as hard as I can to be good. You don't have to worry, I still have friends here who would help me if I spiralled again. Which I will try not to, I promise you that."

His answer was honest, at least Arya judged it like that. She couldn't deal with this any longer. It was killing them both, she could see it. So she closed the space between them one last time, kissing him as deeply as she could. Trying to pour out everything she felt. She knew she wasn't good with words. So she tried to show it to him. When her hands were touching his body, not willing to let go. As if they were like two magnets pulling each other closer. And then they stopped, resting their foreheads against each other. Jon could swear they weren't this intimate before.

After some time Arya finally managed to pull herself up from Jon's embrace. She got up and took one last look at Jon. She wanted to remember every detail of his face for the lonely nights that will arise. Once she was done with that she smiled. She bend down to get her stuff and then glanced over Jon who was still sitting on the bed. She turned her back at Jon and sent a sad smile towards Ghost. She was really walking away, nothing could stop her now. As she was reaching for the exit she heard Jon call out one last thing. And it made her pause and smile. Broadly, with no shame of who could see her.

"Till we see each other again."

"Yes, Till we see each other again, my love."


	9. Chapter 9

It hasn't been long since Arya left. A week maybe. Jon would lie if he said he counted the days. He didn't. He expected a hole to be left in him once Arya left. But there wasn't any. It was as nothing happened. He was better, sure. But it was like the girl wasn't even there.

Nothing changed for Jon since Arya's departure to Kings Landing. He was still doing the same things. He started to be more sociable though, he had to admit that. He was even scared everyone would get used to it and wouldn't react well if everything turned bad again.

Jon continued with going for walks with Ghost. He needed to think. He needed to decide what he wanted. With Arya, with himself. He knew he couldn't continue living in despair. Even if Arya didn't came back for him, he couldn't continue living like this.

So one especially cold morning Jon decided to get a little lost in the surroundings. He packed what was necessary into his bag and left with Ghost by his side. It didn't even take an hour and he already didn't recognise anything. He knew how to get back, of course. He wasn't stupid enough to get lost to a point he would die, though some would argue he was. She most definitely would.

The cold wind blew all around Jon, the uncovered parts of his face burned. His legs were heavy in all the snow and he made so many sounds all the wildlings would look at him in disbelief. In all the years he was living behind the wall he still didn't learn how to properly walk in the snow without alerting everyone that he was there. Sometimes they laughed at him, sometimes in moments of danger they wanted him dead. But Jon learned to live with it. Tormund's comments were always briliant, Jon almost choked on few of them.

_"A Snow who doesn't know how to walk in the snow."_

That was one of them.

He had to admit, Tormund was probably the best part about living in this hell. The red-haired one always stood up for him, alway defended him and never gave up on him. He was a true friend, one of those of whom Westeros was short of.

Jon knew he loved the life here. Something fascinated him about it. The freedom maybe. Or all the joy despite all the darkness. If not that then how people were able to stick together in the face of danger and in times of need. He knew there were moments like these in his the past. But nothing stuck him as much as what he went through here.

Jon took another step and almost fell to the ground. He went too far, he should be turning back soon. He looked at Ghost who was two meters before him, sniffing something, looking for a lead. He looked so carefree, nothing could set him off.

Thoughts continued to flush Jon's mind and they were becoming more and more interesting. A image of a red haired girl appeared before his eyes suddenly. He closed his eyes and tried to suppress tears. He didn't think of her often anymore. He used to, but not since everything changed. He tried to erase her from his memory. It hurt too much not to try to do it.

In the beginning he couldn't even take a step without her. The circumstances of how he lost her weren't making it better. He saw her every time he looked into a fire or seen a girl who was too wild for her father's likings. He couldn't forget about Ygritte no matter how hard he wanted to. She always creeped back on him sooner or later.

He didn't blame himself for anything, not anymore anyway. But she changed him. And in a good way. She showed him what life can be. And that it doesn't always has to be his way or no way. That getting to know people with different beliefs can help you drastically. It can damage you, of course, but it can make you into something better.

For him Ygritte was like a bird you couldn't cage. He admired her wild temper and how she wasn't scared of anything. He learned a lot from her. Most importantly that he wanted to live. He was never sure of that before he met her. And after she died, well, he didn't have many reasons to live for.

He would be better if she was still alive, he knew that somewhere deep inside. Maybe he wouldn't mix up with all the Westeros stuff and focused more on him. And maybe they would all be dead now. And he wouldn't have met Daenerys. He wouldn't have know who his parents really were, he wouldn't have reconnected with Sansa and Bran. And he wouldn't have Arya. Yeah, he wouldn't have her.

The chill was now so unbearable he even stoped feeling the burn in his face. Now it was most definitely time to get back. He called for Ghost and turned, trying to follow his own steps.

He came to a realisation recently. He figured out why he wasn't pissed on Bran for banishing him. He knew he secretly wanted to go back. To know if he didn't gave up on life with an amazing girl for nothing. Everyday he hoped she would just come out of the blue, laugh, push him and never leave him again. But after three years he gave up. Maybe that was the reason of him shutting down. Her ghost was no longer there and he didn't have anything he could hold onto. He created a ghost that followed him everywhere. A ghost that whispered sweet words into his ears and kept him from getting lonely. And then the illusion disappeared into thin air. He was left with his thoughts. And those were getting wilder and wilder.

He realised Arya didn't come for him for way too long. Sansa's letters weren't as genuine as they used to be. Now he knew it was all in his head, but back then it all seemed way too real. And he swore to himself he was never going to fall into a hole like this again. But he hoped Arya would return this time. Because he wanted to go home.

Yeah, he wanted to go home.


End file.
